When I awoke his corpse was cold and I stepped backwards. I had gained avictory and I should have been happy to have saved the Jellicles but I felt sad. I had murdered my mind brother and I had murdered myself somehow. I trotted over to the cage and opened it. My friends stepped out and for the first time I allowed a Jellicle to nuzzle me. Munkustrap nuzzled me and said: "We thought you were dead."
"I murdered him." I cried. "I murdered him, Munkustrap! I am a murderer." I could not believe what I had done to a cat I had loved and I had lived with for a long time. I trotted out of the house to the junkyard. The cats followed me and nobody was speaking.
With Beezle something important had died inside me. Not only the might to conjure had died as I felt. I had also lost something more important. I had lost my childhood or the part of it which had been still left before the fight. Before we had fought I was an adult by age but I still was a youngster in my mind. I never had played with other youngsters but I had not been grown already. I had liked tricks and jokes and my memories about the games I had played with my mom and with Beezle. Now, all these memories gave me no more joy and happiness. They had no meaning anymore there were just existing. I noticed it and it made me melancholy. Reaching the yard I fell down and did not move anymore although I was fully conscious.
The other Jellicles where happy to see us back and greeted Mistoffelees,Skimble, Jenny and Jelly, Munkustrap and Tugger. They cleaned their wounds and gave them food. I watched everything and understood that there was more than I had known before. All these cats were far away from evilness and everything Beezle had been. Inside me there would always be a part of evilness although I would never let it show up. Beezle was still there and so I felt I was more different to the Jellicles than I was supposed to be.
Victoria was the first one who noticed me, the junkyard ghost, a sandbrown Siamese with yellow eyes. She came over and placed in front of me.
"Enigma, are you alright?"
"I murdered Beezle."
"It's okay. You had to do that. I know it is hard for you but you saved us. That is important."
"It is my fault that it happened and so I just did what I had to do. If Ihad not been here, Beezle would have never found you."
"Enigma, do me a favor! Tomorrow is the Jellicle Ball and I beg you to dance with us. You will still be our junkyard ghost but I beg you, dance withus." ,p> "I am not a Jellicle cat, I am different to you. I am not supposed to dance with you."
"You are more important to us than you know. I beg you to dance with me the invitation to the Ball."
The other cats noticed Victoria speaking to me and circled around me. I felt uncomfortable, I was covered with blood, I was sad and everybody was looking at me. Victoria rose and spoke to the others:
"I begged Enigma to dance with us tomorrow and to dance the invitation with me. She still thinks that she isn't one of the Jellicles but I am sure she is more a Jellicle than she is anybody else."
The cats nodded and everybody came over to me and nuzzled me and said "you are a Jellicle". It cheered me up a bit. And so I agreed for the dance.
I felt a cat entering the yard and suddenly Mistoffelees, Coricopat and Tantomile turned around: "I believe it is Old Deuteronomy." My heart bumped hard. The leader appeared and I laid there, not able to move because of all the vapor. I had often seen him but I had never felt prepared to meet him. Now I had no choice. The wise leader knew about my existence but he never could talk to me because I always hide when I see this mighty cat.
"Enigma," said Skimbleshanks to me and purred, "Old Deuteronomy wants to talk to you."
"Please not, Skimble," I whispered, "I feel not prepared."
It was too late, Old Deuteronomy was placed beside me and he stroke my back. I have never ever been touched by anybody before and all that nuzzling today made me confused. Now I was even stroked. Old Deuteronomy knew that I could not speak to him at that moment and so he just talked, every cat was listening.
"Enigma, I know you are adored much and now I know that you did a lot for our Jellicles. I feel that the Jellicles wish you to join the dances and the Ball. I was told a lot about you and so I know that you usually stay alone and that it does not fit to your character to dance with the Jellicles or to touch an play with them. I beg you to dance, too. I know that you are a good dancer."
How could he know that? I never danced in front of others, just for myself but he was right, I was a good dancer. I had always liked to dance with the others but I felt myself not being one of them. I liked my life as the junkyard ghost and I liked staying behind the scene. Now I suddenly felt the strong wish to dance and to be a part of the Ball. I nodded and for the first time I looked into Old Deuteronomy's eyes. He nodded back and left the yard. While the others said goodbye to him, I called for Victoria.
Victoria came back and I signed her to follow me. I lead her to my secret hideout and begged her to sit down.
"If you ever search for me, Victoria, you should search here. If you need someone to talk with, I will be there and give you hospitality. I'd like to dance with you and you just need to come here to collect me for our rehearsals."
Victoria nodded and left. I licked my wounds and healed them as well as possible.