(BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM--Oh, excuse us...anyhow, Alonzo enter the arena and takes his place in the TV announcer's booth....) Alonzo: (sits down behind the booth and begins shuffling a little stack of papers.) Hello, sports fans! I'm Alonzo, announcer number one for today's action packed, sock knockin' off, head spinnin' match!!
(Pouncival makes his way towards the booth, carrying much more rolls of toilet paper than cats should have in their possession. He struggles to make his way to the announcers' booth.)
Pouncival: Hey, Alonozo! Could you help me out here? Alonzo: (looks at Pouncival with one eyebrow raised.) What, may I ask, are you doing with 1, 2, 3.... 12 rolls of toilet paper??
(Shocked, Pouncival drops all of the toilet paper)
Pouncival: I'm carrying 12 rolls of toilet paper?! (Notices that he dropped it all) Well, that is to say....I carried 12 rolls of toilet paper?! Alonzo: (rolls his eyes sarcastically) Yeah. Impressive, ain't it? (looks through the TV screen and looks flustered, then smiles sweetly.) Excuse that little interruption, viewers. (to Pouncival, in a low hiss) Will you get your furry tail over here? We're live, you idiot!!
(Pouncival picks up the rolls of toilet paper. He makes his way into the booth, but drops a roll and slips on it, causing him and all of the rolls to fly across the room. He gets up rubbing his head)
Pouncival: Yeah, well, at least the rolls and I are all in the same place we'e supposed to be...(grabs one of the rolls and sits)...well, fans, today marks a big day for Cats, Paws of Fur-Y! Alonzo:Yes, today marks a big... huh?? (He flips through the papers confusedly and mumbles out of the side of his mouth) Uh, Pounce, where are you getting this? It's not in the pre-pepared dialogue... heh heh heh...
Pouncival: (shakes his head) Gee, Alonzo, have you been taking my stupid pills today, or what? Anyhow, This is the first match-up to feature corporate sponsors! (lifts roll of toilet paper above his head) Ta-da! Our first sponsor is Scott Tissue, makers of Charmin Ultra! (Rubs face on toilet paper) Ooh, so soft! Quasar799: Uh-huh. Just like your head. Okay. Anyway, I think it's time to get things rolling! (He smacks himself in the forehead.) Oh no, a PUN... and a bad one, at that....All righty then, ignoring that little faux pas, we've got a big surprise for all our loyal fans!!! Today's match is not just one match, but two, count 'em two, spectacular fights combined in one stupendous program!! In other words, folks, a double-header!!
Pouncival: And what a match-up! Our first match features the exciting, beautiful, wonderful, flamboyant Bombalurina! Oh, and Etcetera too. Well, this sure looks to be an (snickers) action packed, and somewhat amusing, match-up! What are your thoughts, Alonzo?
Alonzo: My thoughts? hmm...pink bunny slippers and TCBY yogurt!!! What about yours?
Pouncival: Well, It really doesn't matter to me which one wins really...as long as I get Bombalurina...(fades off into a daydream in which Bombalurina, wearing pink bunny slippers, serves him TCBY yogert. Snaps out of it) What did I just say?! I mean, girls are icky! I never go near girls! Yuch!
Alonzo: Those are some... interesting thoughts, Pounce.
Pouncival: (composing himself) Following that, we have a special fight just in store! Rumpus Cat has actually challenged the brute Macavity to a fight right here in our junkyard arena! It'l be a big event...I think...(Think he's turned mic of, but hasn't) Has he even accepted the challenge?!
Alonzo: I really don't think so. In fact, I highly doubt he'll even show up. If you ask me, the whole thing was just a really stupid... (realizes the microphone is still on) Oh, and what a fight it promises to be! Aheh heh... Let's get things started, shall we?
Pouncival: Not yet!!!! I wanna see the Kit-Cat Chat first!!! Why won't you let me see the Kit-Cat Chat?! You never let me see the Kit-Cat Chat!!! (pounce begins crying uncontrolably.)
Alonzo: Uh, okay! Just stop it! (cues the Kit-Cat-Chat)
'Ello! This is Kiteria here. I want to vote ya vote. *G* Well.... I think that Ectera should win. She's way more dedicated to Tugger. Look at the way she fawns over him. Bomb's over there in the back with Pouncival. She's doing something that he likes back there just can't mention it here. Besides Tugger needs to be bugged. Why should he get the girl of his dreams! It ain't right I tell you it ain't right. Alright I'll calm down now. Ecetera's gonna win cause well..... Bomb's gonna be caught by Macavity making Ect the undefeatable winner by forfiet. Well something has got to happen to Bomb or Ect will never win. Maybe She'll break one of Bomb's nails before the match and she'll have to forfiet to get a manucure. Yeah to get a manucure. She needs a man is what it is anyway. Well maybe she can sabotage her manucure appointment frizzing up Bomb's hair! Or she could have a hair appointment and have to forfeit. Maybe she's having a bad hair day I don't know but knowing how prissy Bomb can be I'm not at all suprised if Ect wins by forfeit. Hey Bomb! I didn't mean it please don't hurt me you're still my fav. Hey watch it you could break those fake nails. You scare me. Go Ect somebody has got to defeat her evil reign as Queen of the Flirt may the force be with you cause I ain't! *Runs away scared.*
Pouncival: I would just like to add that little Kiteria’s vote was late. Bad Kiteria! Bad!
Alonzo: I’d also like to remind our fans that we would have had more of a choice of opinions had
Pouncival not WENT on the voters comments!
Pouncival: (cries again) I’m sorry! I couldn’t help it!!!! You said you weren’t going to finish the rest of your cream and said I could have it!!!! I didn’t know that you had put a laxative in it that day!!!!
Alonzo: (nervous laugh) Oh, uh-huh, uh, yeah, that’s right. I had bad indigestion that day. WEll, I guess I can forgive you.
Pouncival: Oh, thank you Alonzo! Your my best friend! (begins hugging Alonzo)
Alonzo: You're- ugh!- welcome! (tries to push Pounce away)
Pouncival: (Pouncival let's go, not remembering why they are in the booth.) Ummm....what were we doing? (looks at Alonzo in disgust) AND WHY WERE YOU HUGGING ME?! Oh yeah! The fight! Well, to get things started, let's bring out our first combatant! Weighing in at...
(Bombalurina rushes in and grabs Pounce by the scruff)
Bombalurina: DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM WHAT MY WEIGHT IS!!!! THAT IS, UNLESS YOU WANT ANOTHER HOLE IN YOUR HEAD!!!
Pouncival: (remembering last time Bomb put a hole in his head) I remember that...That wasn't very much fun!
Alonzo: (inches away from Bomby, holding a whip) Down, girl...go back to the ring...And in the opposite corner, weighing in at A VERY PETITE 8 pounds, 5 ounces... aheh heh... Et-cet-era!!!
Etcetera: WEEEEE!!!!! (Looks in the audience) HEY TUGGER? WHERE ARE YA? I'M ABOUT TO PROVE MY LOVE!!!! I JSUT HAVE TO REMEMBER ALL OF MY TITANIC QUOTES....
Tugger: (In the audience) Oh, dear Heaviside...(sneaks out of the audience)
Alonzo: Okay, we know Etcetera's excited about the whole thing!! You two shake hands and come out fighting!!
Pouncival: It looks like Bombalurina is about to approach Etcetera. But, Etcetera flips away! Jeez, Etcetera, she didn't evn do anything yet! Lay off the Smack! Oh jeez, now what is she doing?
Etcetera: (doing a bunch of mediocre poses) I will not let evil like you try to minupulate the hearts of others!! In the name of the moon...(Etcetera twirls around really fast, then stops, wearing a Sailor Moon fuku and holding a moon wand)...I will punish you!!!!
Alonzo: (groans) Oh no, not another crossover thing... that killed the Flintstones!!! Ah well, cest la vie... Ouch!! Etcy is whonking Bomby over the head with the wand! REPEATEDLY!!!
Pouncival: Bombalurina doesn't look pleased! She's looks like she's about to kick some teeny bopper butt! This'll be great!!!
Bombalurina: You little brain dead weasel!!! (Bombalurina grabs Etcy by the ears and lifts her off the ground, then slams her back down): Oooh, that is going to bruise!
Pouncival: Yeah! Yeah! You da man Bomb! (notices figure in trench coat taking a seat in the stands) Hey look! There's Tugger! Hey Tugger!!! Look what you're missing!!!
Etcetera: (Jump kicks Bomb in the head, and then runs around the arena.) TUGGER? TUGGER?! WHERE ARE YOU MY LOVE?!?! (turns to bunch of kittens in the first row wearing and holding bunches of Tugger merchandise) Girls, fan out and find him!!!!
Tugger: Oh, boy...(jumps over pile of junk out and out of the arena before the kittens can find him)
Bomby: Oh, puh-leez!! (She grabs Etcy by the tail and starts whirling her around her head)
Alonzo: (stands up and shouts) Hey, now!! That's not fair!! She's smaller than you!!
Pouncival: We will, we will rock you! Bum-bum ba! Bum-bum-ba! Yeah! Toast her! Er, I mean, uh, this doesn't look to good for Etcetera!
(Etcetera, after taking a hard landing, bounces back up and scratches Bombalurian across the arm. Blood begins tricking and drips on the ground)
Alonzo: Eeeeewww!!! Blood!!! Ew, ew, ew, ew...Somebody slap a band-aid on that!!!
Pouncival: (humming “Old Macdonald” and dancing the Funky Chicken) Oh, sorry! What are you screaming about? (notices mess on the ground) I can take care of that!!! (grabs toilet paper and runs into the arena.) Watch as Charmin Ultra cleans up even the messiest spills!!! (wipes up blood) It's the quicker picker upper! No, wait a minute...
Alonzo: Great, Pounce!! Way to go!! See if Charmin ever sponsors another of our events!! That's Bounty, you idiot!! (pulls out a roll of Bounty and holds it up proudly)
Etcetera: (running at Bombalurina and welding her Moon wand) Moon Healing Escalation!!!! (Etcetera, however trips over Pouncival and flies at Bombalurina, knocking her down)
Alonzo:Oh, that didn't go over too well with Bomby. She's getting up and coming after Etcy... Now she's punching her in the side of the head... Etcy's just standing there! Move your bloomin' tail, girl!! It looks like Bomby's getting woozy from blood loss... (sigh) Even when pounded to a pulp, Etcy retains her youthful cuteness!
Pouncival: (under his breath) Not to mention her vapidity...Hey! I said a big word! Wait a minute, blood? You mean, I just cleaned up blood? I can't stand the sight of blood! Ooh...(Pouncival faints)
Alonzo: (jumps out of the booth, runs down to the ring, and begins fanning Pounce rapidly with a sheet of Bounty) C'mon pal, wake up!! Etcy's ready to charge!!
Etcy: TUGGER! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!! I CAN SMELL YOU!! YOU'RE WEARING CALVIN KLEIN!! WATCH THIS!!!
Alonzo: Etcy rams Bomby headlong in the stomach! Bomby teeters backwards, but retaliates with a punch that sends Etcy flying into the stands!!
Etcetera: (flying over figure in a nun comstume): OH!!! TUGGER!!! LET ME WARM YOUR HEART WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!!
Tugger: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! (Runs to the toms’ room as fast as he can)
Pouncival: (waking up) Is that Tugger I hear? Tum Tugger!--I mean Rum Tugger! No, that is...okay, one last time! RUN Tugger! Yeah, that's right! Don't let them get you! (scratches head) Uh, now what was I doing? Oh yeah, fainting. Ooh...(Pouncivla faints again)
Alonzo: (keeps fanning) Shrapnel and fur are flying here in center ring, ladies and gentletoms... at this moment most of the fight is invisible to the spectyators due to the presence of a huge cloud of dust formed by our contestants as they duke it out on the ground. Occassionally a paw or a tail can be seen protruding from this massive cloud, but all sound has been bocked out by the sound of hissing, yowling, clawing, biting, etcetera... (sigh) Etcetera...
(Figure in a clown costume comes out of toms’ room)
Pouncival: (Running back to the booth, hiding) ETCETERA?! WHERE?! (Sees the action going on) Oh, there! Thank Heaviside! (spots a clown walking by the arena) Hey look at that! That clown looks familiar! Hey! It's Tugger! Great disguise Tugger! Etcetera will never notice you!
Etcetera: (spots clown) AHHHH!!!!! I'M AFRAID OF CLOWNS!!!! (runs to the opposite corner of the arena): (follows Pounce back to the booth) Whew, that was close!! Hey, TUGGER!!! Love the funky rainbow wig!!!
Tugger: Shut up, you idiots!!!
Pouncival: Idiots? As in PLURAL? Alonzo, you're not an idiot, are you?
Alonzo: I don't think so... hmmm...
Pouncival: Well, that's a relief! I didn’t want to lose my individuality. WOW!!!! OM MY GOD!!! LOOK!!! OH THE FELINITY!!!!!
Alonzo: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! (hides eyes)
Pouncival: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! ETCETERA IS RUNNING OVER TO TUGGER AND IS...*GULP*...MARKING HER TERRITORY!!!! (pulls out a Game Boy Color and plays Wario Land 2) This is amazing! It's a Game Boy, but it's in color. This can't be right...a game boy in color? Oh, my head hurts....(watches as Bomb pounds Alonzo in the head and listens as Alonzo scream "the horror!") Well, even so, my head still hurts.
Alonzo: That’s the last draw!!!! (speaking into mic) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ETCETERA IS DIQUALIFIED FROM THE MATCH-UP DUE TO UNAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT!
BOMBABALURINA WILL BE PROCLAIMED THE WINNER BY DEFAULT. (turns off mic) Oh, jeez! Hey, Pounce, still got that Charmin Ultra? Pouncival: (traumatized from shock and now whipping up his own mess) Um...yeah Alonzo...right here...just wait a minute...oh heaviside...(shutters)
Alonzo: (clenching fists) Ergh...Well fans, we’re gong to take a quick break, and afterwards, we’ll be back with our second fight, Macavity versus Rumpus Cat! (aside) We hope.
Pouncival: Hey Alozo, still got that quicker picker upper?
Bombalurina: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HE’S MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (approaches Tugger, then picks up the scent of urine) Or not...Ooh...(faints dead away as Etcetera chase Tugger all around the arena)
And now, our quote of the fight...
"Oh no, not another crossover thing...that killed the Flintstones!!!" -Alonzo
Whee! That was fun!